I come from a traditional background where oft to be a right and virtuous woman one must be married. In fact the expressions “she is getting married” and “she is starting her life” are synonymous and used interchangeably by my people. To be married one must be unintelligent so as not to affront the male ego, pleasing to the naked eye or pleasing to the eye naked, accomplished as a cook and hostess, always immaculately attired and well-spoken, and have a good sense of humour.
I do not wear make-up, have yet to learn to walk in heels, enjoy a whiskey as much as the next man, and have been known to cuss. I have sadly betrayed my gender in pursuit of such evils as reading, riting and rithmetic. When I could bear my shame no more I went in search of role models. I discovered comedy.
Some choice bloopers:
- From the lips of a former Miss South Africa on seeing a sun bed for the first time and being told what it was: “Oh, you mean it’s like a microwave!”
- According to a perfect if near illiterate hostess and homemaker when she was told that in order to practice law in other countries, qualified South Africans needed a conversion course: “So untrue. Jenny studied in Johannesburg and now she works in Cape Town”
- In the words of the aspirant caterer when taking my breakfast order: “I overslept and almost didn’t make my morning delivery. I’m still not wearing knickers”
- Per the local socialite when she ordered her espresso at 44 Stanley and the waiter asked “single?”: “yes I am; how did you know?”
- Per the same socialite when asked if she minded that the local plumber was gay : “I don’t mind if he’s deliriously happy as long as he gets the job done”
The best by far was when I corrected a larger-than-life celeb who resides in rural South Africa that the yolk of the egg contains the fat and not the albumen. “Hmm, I often don’t know what I am talking about, but I find if I speak with authority everybody believes me”. Or maybe not…
As for me, I remain unrepentant and unrehabilitated!
Ps the test for a celeb is lower in rural areas than in urban areas; a bit like the legal principle of balance of probabilities vs beyond reasonable doubt.